19 September 2023

Day 3 of Classes

 "Research" v. Research

***I've had this conversation many times. Just so you know, this piece will not delve into fake news or conspiracy theory or anything of the sort. ***

There is a significant difference between the common conception of research - looking stuff up online and reading about a subject, especially when using credible sources from experts in their field - and the academic conception of research. That academic conception requires a researcher to gather their own data through whatever design is appropriate to their project and to analyze that data.

Regardless of your definition of the word research, I have considered myself a researcher at various points in my life. Reflectively, we can apply the term research to early stages of life, though we would consider that research unplanned and without any specific design.

Imagine a baby just beginning to eat solid foods. Maybe there are some Cheerios strewn across their highchair tray. The baby picks one up and puts it in their mouth (because everything goes there - baby mouths are super-sensitive and therefore the appropriate research tool in exploring texture, flavor, and many other attributes of objects). The baby feels the rough texture of the cereal, the slightly salty flavor, the round shape. They close their mouth and discover that this shape breaks easily. Food successfully eaten.

But do all of those Cheerios react the same way? The baby repeats their experiment to see if they can replicate the earlier results, discovers that Cheerios are awesome, and gleefully consumes them by the handful.

That baby is researching their world, gathering data to sort objects into categories - good taste/bad taste, soft/sharp, loud/quiet, good person/scary person/not quite sure yet. 

The way we learn about the world, what it is and how we live in it, what we think and experience and share with each other, does not change much from that baby trying out new foods. Eventually, we assign all sorts of complicated names to the various stages of research, the processes which prompt the research to begin with, and the means by which we conduct our research.

It all boils down to the same thing, though - curiosity. 

Humans are born researchers. Somewhere in their lives, though, we shame and scold that natural curiosity and exploration out of children. We tell them to sit still, to listen, to repeat back, to stop asking so many freaking questions. Why do we do this? Sometimes it because adults are tired, or they don't know the answers or how to help children find the answers. It is the way we have designed our compulsory education system in this country. Everyone was a researcher, but so many of us lose that curiosity and exploration as we conform to a standardized system.

Funny, then, that we teach research to adults who retain or rediscover that curiosity and want to add some letters after their name to show they curious beings seeking answers to the mysteries of the world and telling other people what they discover.

You can probably learn a lot about my axiology, ontology, and epistemology just by reading this and knowing what the fancy research words mean (my values, my thoughts on the nature of being, and my thoughts on how we know stuff). Depending on whether you are the sort of researcher with lots of letters after my name, you may even have a guess on at my research paradigm (I tend towards critical/feminist theory). What you may not know is exactly why I am doing this. After all, I already have the MS and MA after my name, so why do I need the EdD?

It is a valid question, one that I explored several times over before beginning this journey.

The simple answer: I want to change the world. I want to make the world a better place for my kids, and their kids, and their kids, and on and on. I want to make the world a better place for complete strangers who I will never meet. I want to make the world safer for kids who cannot be themselves without fear, for professionals who risk their lives to help kids learn.

This is one path toward that goal, a path that nourishes the curiosity and sense of exploration which I have never let go. It will provide me with all the industry-standard language and methods which I need to make my research the sort that can effect significant change. It will provide me with an ethos that the MS and MA do not quite achieve. It will provide me with connections (gah - networking) which I may need to bring attention to my research.

Do I expect that every project I undertake will result in world-changing action? No, not really.

But I can hope.

12 September 2023

Day 2 of Classes

 Last week was Labor Day, so there was no class. I have thoughts around Labor Day, particularly as an adjunct instructor. I will not go into depth about that here, but will send a huge heaping Thank You to all my tenured colleagues who remember that adjuncts exist and fight to ensure equitable treatment.

Today we talked about Imposter Syndrome. This is a term that I am not a fan of. About 18 months ago, this is what I had to say:

Imposter Syndrome:
Yet another term women can use to blame themselves for internalizing our misogynistic culture teaching them they're not worthy of success and must be doing something wrong when they do succeed.

To expand on this, there is an intersectional nature to this practice, making it even worse when you add in being part of various marginalized communities, primarily people of color and the LGBTQ+ community. When society teaches you from the moment of your birth that you are already an imposter, no matter what you do, having other people rail against Imposter Syndrome can be annoying.

Along with the post I wrote 18 months ago, I suggested an alternate explanation for the feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome: rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). This is often part of neurodivergence or follows trauma or accompanies anxiety. That fear of rejection from RSD can be paralyzing, to the point that praise can feel fake. You know that rejection is coming, so the praise must be false, could even be out of sympathy knowing that the axe is about to fall.

Many people pleasers are experiencing RSD. That extra-well-behaved kid in your classroom? They may be so afraid of getting in trouble or saying the wrong thing that they follow the rules the best they can (waving - that was me once upon a time). I had a conversation with my sibling not long ago in which we - surprise, surprise - talked about our childhood and the different perspectives we had on experiences we shared. I was startled to discover that they did not feel a pervasive fear of getting in trouble for their entire childhood. I had no idea that it was possible to go through childhood any other way (which feels a bit ridiculous to type now, given everything I know about child development).

It took a long time for me to get past that all-encompassing fear (though it still has some remnants in my mind - thank you, anxiety). Oddly - or maybe not so oddly - RSD lessened when I was querying literary agents and received rejection after rejection after rejection. I started to realize that rejection is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be motivation to work harder, to keep going. After all, I only need one literary to say yes, so if all the others say no, it's not a huge problem.

Doing that work on myself, considering exactly what Imposter Syndrome may be from an intersectional feminist perspective, has allowed me to break free from the constraints these words wrap around us. I can move freely through the world without those chains.